評語

STUDENT19, on a scale of one to six, your response to this assignment was rated a 3 for focus. Focus relates to your ability to present a consistent, unified message and stay on topic. Your focus is limited. Typically, a response at this level has a reasonably clear purpose evident, though the presentation may stray from the controlling point. The response may lack focus and cohesion.
STUDENT19, let's work on making your focus much clearer.
Revision Goal 1: State the central/controlling idea of your essay.
1. In your introduction, you should include one sentence that tells your reader what your essay will be about. This is called your thesis statement. Highlight it in yellow.
2. If you did not write one sentence to explain what your essay will be about, ask yourself, "What do I want my reader to learn from my essay?" Now, write the answer in one sentence at the beginning of your essay.
Example:
Before Revision: The Redwood National Forest in California has many hiking and biking trails.
Frank's Strategy: I wrote details about California, but I did not write a sentence that explains what my essay will be about.
After Revision:The Redwood National Forest in California is a spectacular place to visit.
Frank's Reflection: I wrote one sentence that clearly states what my essay will be about.
Revision Goal 2: Understand and write for your audience.
1.Read the prompt and find the audience. Are you writing for friends and students, for parents or other adults, or for newspaper readers?
2.Make sure the words you wrote in your essay are appropriate for your audience. For example, if you are writing to adults, you should NOT use slang or contractions.
Example:
Before Revision: I wanna go hiking in the Redwood National Forest. And after that I dunno. Maybe I will chill on a park bench.
Frank's Strategy: I used slang words, "wanna," "dunno," and "chill." I need to replace these with more formal language because I am writing to adults.
After Revision: I want to go hiking in the Redwood National Forest. After hiking, I may relax on a park bench.
Frank's Reflection: I replaced slang words with more formal words, "want to" and "relax."